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God is in control

October 25, 2017

two weeks from now and we will finally meet our little fighter Gabriel.

it is totally mixed emotions of being excited, anxious, happy, nervous. i feel so much joy as a first time mom but many times when i think about baby gab’s condition, worry overcomes me. it’s like it is a celebration of life but i cannot celebrate too much. it’s like i want to show the world how happy and proud i am but something is holding me back.

but then i’ll be reminded once more, God is in control.

and i’ll be calm and i’ll feel His comfort and love.

knowing that our little one will be undergoing an operation a day or two after he sees the the outside world is truly devastating. i think i still haven’t totally digested and realized that until now. it is something an expectant mother would not want to hear, ever. instead of just worrying if i’ll have milk to feed him right after birth, i worry of how will we have enough bonding and latching and getting-to-know times the first days and weeks of his life if he is going to spend it in the nicu instead of being home with us. and the list of worries and questions goes on.

but then again, God is in control.

worries do no help. who am i to worry?

one out of every 35,000-40,000 newborns is diagnosed with sacrococcygeal teratoma (sct). it is that rare without clear cause and it is known to be more common in female babies. that makes baby gab truly special and one of a kind. though one set of doctors who look after baby gab’s condition think that it is not sct as the cystic mass does not show any effect on the blood flow in his heart and body and that everything is normal in him. (that consistent news in our series of check ups and assessments makes me so much relieved and reassured) whatever it is, i pray that everything goes smoothly and successful, from the c-section to baby gab’s entering this wonderful world until his operation and recovery. i believe that he will have and enjoy a normal life after this early challenge to us.

i wont be able to handle this on my own. i am so much grateful and blessed to have a support system who’s been with me from the start, from my family to my few trusted and close friends and of course to my partner whose faith is stronger than mine. im lucky and thankful to have someone who takes care of me and baby gab and never lets us go hungry. we’ll get through this and everything is going to be fine.

this is just a glimpse of my journey to mommyhood and how we handle the difficult challenge thrown to us. as much as i would like to, most probably i wont be able to share all my experiences and pregnancy tips and realizations (not to mention struggles) here anymore, but one thing’s for sure, this phase is totally a highlight and a life-changing experience in a woman’s life.

_______

i believe that prayers can move mountains. a prayer for the safe delivery and successful surgery for our baby gab will be so much appreciated ❤

God bless us all.

baby gab profile at 26 weeks

baby gab at 26 weeks

 

thinking baby gab at 36 weeks

(thinking) baby gab at 36 weeks

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mute

October 19, 2017

perhaps it’s better to blame it all to pregnancy hormones.

what is felt should not be based on what is seen.

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note: this is an intro-body-conclusionless entry (as if that’s new)

September 15, 2017

this thought just came to mind – what if all the important people in my life suddenly leave me?

then a tear voluntarily fell from my eye. i can be a dramatic actress, you know. haha!

i dont know why but there is something that makes me feel sentimental today. not really lonely but sentimental or emotional, whichever fits better. might be the gloomy weather or the fact that im home alone. oh, no! i think the pregnancy hormones are striking again. (yes, i now have a new thing to blame for my crazy moods ((:)

then my mind reminded me, you cant be thinking of things like these anymore. you are soon having a child. you cant be selfish. you now have no rights to think of running away when things get tough just the way you always did before!

then my bubble popped and im back to earth once more.

one of my ultimate dreams is to write the story of my life. not really an autobiography type but a novel-ish one. maybe it’s only me (of course, it’s only me because it’s me) but i really think my life story is somehow interesting. youd think it is just plain and simple but youd be surprised of the unpredictable twists and turns. at some point youd think it is coming to an end but lo and behold, another major turn of events unfolds before your eyes. what a great story!

not.

will it ever happen? no one knows. maybe not. thats a hint from my short term memory. but im still hoping it will.

changing topic, i am getting closer and closer to the day when i finally meet my little one. i know, i must have a separate blog for this new chapter in my life. ive thought of that more than once. the journey to motherhood is incomparable and life-changing and i am undeniably blessed and thankful to God that He let me experience this. i believe all the mothers out there exactly know what im saying. it is love, and pure love, endless love.

i cant wait for the big day.

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(mon)day off

July 31, 2017

i just finished watching the movie la la land. i so wanted to watch it before but time and circumstances didnt permit.

on this hot summer afternoon, i finally got a chance to watch it as i had nothing to do. all i knew was it is a musical and i forgot all the reviews ive read about it before so basically, i had no idea about the storyline. as the film was ending, i still wasnt sure what was real or not but slowly, i was getting the conclusion. then snap!

yeah, right. what a story. or should i say, what an ending. if you have watched the movie and if you know my story, you will perfectly understand and probably will give me that look and smile.

i havent watched romantic drama movies lately. my choice. dont ask me why because im not sure of the answer either.

i know, it has been a while since my last visit here. i tried to update a couple of times but, you know me.

im good, no worries. it’s been a lot of eating and munching lately. im taking advantage whenever i can rest but sleeping and lying in bed started to be daily struggles and i am looking forward for worse. im not complaining though. im enjoying every inch of this magical period, just so you know. im embracing it with both arms and every day makes me more excited because it gets me closer to the moment when i can finally see and kiss and hug my little one.

la la la…

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taboo

June 15, 2017

we’re good. i mean, we get along. we dont fight, aside from those petty exchange of words about my need to get a more stable source of income.

it’s those unspoken words that speak a lot. it is those sudden quiet moments that are deafening and knowing that we both know what lies beneath makes it much heavier.

as ive said, i am used to it. i dont know how long this taboo game will last. i got no clue how it ends. im not even sure if im playing it right. somewhere deep inside me hopes that it ends in a good way. for our little one, you know. but as i have also said, i trust His plans.

so, i dont where this leads. im just praying that everything turns out beautiful for everyone in the end.

___

“For I know the plans I have for you… Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” -Jeremiah 29:11

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moments of silence

June 14, 2017

the moment asks for this. i have nothing to do. i want to sleep but ive been silently lying in the sofa and in bed for hours now. i can hear the strong wind blowing the leaves of the trees outside, the weather making it more black and white to my eyes.

i’ll say that im used to it. i am used to this situation which i dont even know what to call. im fine, really, but having these down moments are, i suppose, inevitable. catching my mind wandering along question road is a normal scenario.

and of course, no answers available.

though im not really expecting to know the answers now. as always, i leave it to Him. i trust His plans.

sorry, now im sleepy. will try to continue tomorrow (but i strongly doubt it)

im happy for happy people.

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heaven-sent

June 5, 2017

i know ive been writing all my entries in english, but allow me to have this one in my native language -tagalog.

naalala ko kasi yung gabing iyon. unang beses ko mapanood ang sobrang idol ko na singer-composer na si ebe ng malapitan na live. sobrang excited ko lang that time. kung pwede lang hindi matapos yung gabing iyon.

kasama ko siya at isa pa naming colleague. marami-rami ring kinanta si ebe. sulit na sulit ang gabi. kinanta niya ang mga luma at bagong kanta, mula noong sugarfree times hanggang sa ngayong nagsolo na siya. sa kalagitnaan ng show o bandang patapos na yata iyon, hindi ko na matandaan, pagkatapos ng isang kanta, merong nag-abot sa kanya ng papel. may nagrequest yata ng kanta sa isa sa mga audience.

pero nung nagsalita na siya, wala palang nagrequest, kundi merong nagpapabati. may babatiin daw siya na dalawang tao sa  mga audience. sa isip ko, ang swerte naman nung mga ‘yun. noong binanggit na niya ang unang pangalan, kapangalan niya. sasabihin ko pa sana sa kanya na, “uy, kapangalan mo.” pero nung sinunod nang binanggit yung isa pang pangalan, nagulat ako dahil pangalan ko yun. (sa sobrang unique ng nickname ko, alam kong ako yun) ako nga!!

ininterview pa niya ako ng konti. sobrang hindi ko inaasahan kaya kinabahan pa tuloy ako ng slight habang kinakausap siya sa gitna ng lahat ng nandoon. hindi alam ni ebe na sooobrang kinikilig ako sa loob ko. haha! buti na lang hindi niya ako tinawag sa stage kundi baka hindi na ako nakapagsalita at baka nayakap ko na siya. (pero sayang din kasi may picture na sana kaming dalawa kung nagkataon.)

nung gabi ding iyon, nalaman ko na siya pala ang nasa likod ng lahat. dahil alam niyang fan ako ni ebe, ginamit niya ang kanyang mga koneksyon para maging posible iyong dream come true na gabing iyon. i felt so special. isa ‘yun sa mga hindi ko malilimutang pagkakataon sa buhay ko. muli, maraming salamat.

gusto ko rin gamitin ang pagkakataon na ito para sabihin na ang swerte ko at sobrang blessed ko dahil nakilala ko siya. God is so good kasi hinayaan Niyang makilala at maging parte ako ng buhay ng isang tao na tutulong sa akin para maging mas positibo ang pananaw at para magpaalala na sa kabila ng mga masasamang nangyayari sa mundo, meron pa ring mga tao who naturally make you feel that life is beautiful.

siya ang guardian angel ko dito sa pisikal na mundo. nagpapanggap nga lang kaya siyang tao?

kahit hindi niya sabihin sa akin na he’ll always be there for me, nararamdaman ko na ganun. ang assuming ko lang, ‘di ba? pero totoo. he still makes me feel loved and cared despite of everything that happened. hindi ko nga alam kung ok lang ba siya, kung nasa matinong pag-iisip pa ba siya. kasi parang wala lang nagyari. kung sa iba siguro yun, kung anu-ano na ang sinabi. pero siya, dedmakels.

ewan ko, kahit nakakausap ko siya, hindi ko pa rin siyempre alam kung ano ba talaga ang naiisip at nararamdaman niya. pero para sa akin, ramdam ko yung malasakit at sincerity and i know that he hopes nothing but the best for me. and that is more than enough.

it might sound weird pero, im happy for him. alam kong nakakabangon na ulit siya at nararamdaman kong malapit na magsimula yung bright bright future and success sa buhay niya, sa lahat ng aspeto. ano pa nga ba ang ieexpect at ipagdadasal mong makita sa taong katulad niya. he deserves the best dahil ganun din ang ibinibigay at ipinakikita niya sa mga nasa paligid niya. kung pwede nga lang sana malaman ng lahat ng tao kung ano yung totoong siya. feeling ko kasi iba pa ang pagkakakilala nila sa kanya, unlike the way i know him. pero alam kong sa dami ng nakasalamuha niya sa buhay, karamihan doon ay nakita at naramadaman kung gaano siya kabuti, ideny man nila o hindi.

sobrang special siya sa akin kahit wala na kami sa sitwasyon namin noon. minsan nga napapaisip ako kung tama ba na kinakausap ko pa rin siya. but it feels right. wala namang masama na mag-usap bilang magkaibigan. gusto ko lang malaman niya na nandito lang ako para sa kanya. isa ako sa mga sumusuporta at naniniwala sa kanya. he’ll always have a special part in my heart and in my prayers, always.

may na-save pala ako na dalawang videos ni ebe nung gabing iyon sa historia. hindi buo, pero narecord ko pala yung “bawat daan” at “burnout.’ ewan pero sobrang ramdam ko yung recorded part nung naunang kanta. para bang kung susumahin sa isang salita yung buong kanta, ang ibig niyang sabihin ay constant.

ang sarap lang ng pakiramdam na maramdaman ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. alam mo ‘yun? ang gaan gaan na para bang wala kang problema. yung tipong titingin ka sa bintana, tapos ang ganda pa ng kalangitan, tapos mapapangiti ka na lang habang merong namumuong luha sa mga mata mo. sana maramdaman din ito ng lahat ng tao. bliss. kahit sa moment lang na ito. kahit alam kong mapapalitan din ito sa susunod na oras pero yung pakiramdam na meron kang pinanghahawakan deep inside you, ang lakas lang ng hatak. ang sarap lang.

thank you Lord. i trust your plans. kahit ano pa ang mangyari sa mga susunod na araw at taon, Your will be done. hindi man namin maintindihan lahat ngayon, it doesnt matter. naniniwala akong magiging maayos din ang lahat para sa aming lahat.

Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam