neVer again

September 10, 2014

secrets. full volume. loop.


I thought it’s fine. I even asked for permission and there was no “no” though there was no “yes” either. but I really thought it’s okay.

I understand the way used; maybe to make it polite. thank you, but im still offended. I know, but I don’t know. I cant understand what im feeling and why im feeling this way. im blaming nobody. or perhaps, I am blaming myself. just please let me express and pull this out. I just really thought it’s okay. sorry for not seeing the down side of it.

I feel bad, really bad. and I hope something could stop this now. don’t worry, same thing will not happen again; not in the near future. if it has that big impact on me, it might never happen ever again. don’t mind me, somehow it’s true, im just like my skin, sensitive at times.

I believe this will not last long, so let me nurse this unexplainable feeling for the meantime.


on the other hand, nobody knows the future, unless you can time travel. only God knows, and perhaps Mama Mary, too. less than 90 days from now, im going to the other side of the globe; far from my comfort zone; far from the people I love, unsure when I’ll be back.



I cant tell what lies ahead. I will leave bringing just the good memories and a handful of hope of a bright future; future with the people dearest to me wherever fate brings us. as long as we are  happy together, I wont ask for more.

leaving isnt easy, neither being left behind. I know. but I also know that everything is going to be okay. many things can happen, as what they say. growing apart is also a scary threat, but above all these, it is still possible. It is still livable and many have survived. I know I can. I know we will.


now i feel better. thank you Mama Mary. I know it is you who comforts me and prays for me at this very moment. I feel it. happy birthday again. thank you Lord God. I know that despite of my shortcomings and trespasses, you are always there for me. thank you for Your stubborn love that never lets go of me. truly, I am nothing without You.

thank you for making me feel better. im now laughing on my first entry. well, not really laughing but I am now realizing it. maybe it’ll just be a normal happy day tomorrow though no same stuff in the near future, still.


it’s 1:11 am. let me hit the sack.

inay. almost full volume. loop.





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