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bruise almighty

December 30, 2015

i dont know where to start. should it be by asking why the heck do these bruises appear one after the other or should it be about my giving in and getting myself that box of happiness a.k.a camera in Christmas time and convincing myself that it’s okay, that i should see it either as a reward for lasting a year of not giving up on living miles away from home or as a Christmas gift and birthday present to myself for the next 10 years? (breathe, reader. breathe) or maybe i should begin this with my usual down and crazy mood of loneliness which in the first place the reason of this post. i dont know why out of the blue, i suddenly felt blue this morning and the gloomy atmosphere lasted the whole day. or did it start before i slept last night? anyway, im still not sure how or where to begin. just the other day i felt happy and thankful for a new circle of friendship that i have in this age on this part of the earth. just yesterday, i learned that one of them is getting married two months from now. lovely.

if i begin this by saying how i would love to be in that crowded but special familiar place where we spent time together for several times, i bet that wont change anything so i wont start this with that. music, thank you music. i am currently (by accident but on repeat) listening to this song love will set you free by kodaline. first time to hear it, first time to know the artist. thank you youtube for playing random feel-good songs after jose gonzales’ stay alive.

i remember thinking of starting this by asking what nice movie to watch with this mood i have. i was even pondering if it’s better to watch a sad movie to match my state of mind or comedy or action to fight the loneliness. but it seems there wont be a movie night tonight because my brain tells me to hit the bed after this nonsense scribbling. what could have happened if i went straight to the coffee shop from office today? i nearly did that thinking or hoping that caffeine would kick this ugh feeling. ugh!

at this point, i still dont know how to begin. why am i not blessed with a good singing voice? i want to sing my heart out. well, i certainly can do that but not as pleasing as you and i would want it to be. i want to play an instrument. i wish i grew up as a musician. why didnt i push myself to pursue those piano lesson afternoons when i was a kid?  yeah, regrets are always in the end. that’s why im ending this now.

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post script: i also wanted to start this by being so excited of the fact that 3 days from now, a brand new year is sitting and waiting to be welcomed. what a blissful thought.

p.s. of p.s. i just discovered another bruise, on my right knee. perhaps they dont come one by one. maybe theyve been here for a while without my knowing because im always on my pajamas at home and only now that i am wearing shorts that i see them.

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