Archive for the ‘chapter 2’ Category

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(mon)day off

July 31, 2017

i just finished watching the movie la la land. i so wanted to watch it before but time and circumstances didnt permit.

on this hot summer afternoon, i finally got a chance to watch it as i had nothing to do. all i knew was it is a musical and i forgot all the reviews ive read about it before so basically, i had no idea about the storyline. as the film was ending, i still wasnt sure what was real or not but slowly, i was getting the conclusion. then snap!

yeah, right. what a story. or should i say, what an ending. if you have watched the movie and if you know my story, you will perfectly understand and probably will give me that look and smile.

i havent watched romantic drama movies lately. my choice. dont ask me why because im not sure of the answer either.

i know, it has been a while since my last visit here. i tried to update a couple of times but, you know me.

im good, no worries. it’s been a lot of eating and munching lately. im taking advantage whenever i can rest but sleeping and lying in bed started to be daily struggles and i am looking forward for worse. im not complaining though. im enjoying every inch of this magical period, just so you know. im embracing it with both arms and every day makes me more excited because it gets me closer to the moment when i can finally see and kiss and hug my little one.

la la la…

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heaven-sent

June 5, 2017

i know ive been writing all my entries in english, but allow me to have this one in my native language -tagalog.

naalala ko kasi yung gabing iyon. unang beses ko mapanood ang sobrang idol ko na singer-composer na si ebe ng malapitan na live. sobrang excited ko lang that time. kung pwede lang hindi matapos yung gabing iyon.

kasama ko siya at isa pa naming colleague. marami-rami ring kinanta si ebe. sulit na sulit ang gabi. kinanta niya ang mga luma at bagong kanta, mula noong sugarfree times hanggang sa ngayong nagsolo na siya. sa kalagitnaan ng show o bandang patapos na yata iyon, hindi ko na matandaan, pagkatapos ng isang kanta, merong nag-abot sa kanya ng papel. may nagrequest yata ng kanta sa isa sa mga audience.

pero nung nagsalita na siya, wala palang nagrequest, kundi merong nagpapabati. may babatiin daw siya na dalawang tao sa  mga audience. sa isip ko, ang swerte naman nung mga ‘yun. noong binanggit na niya ang unang pangalan, kapangalan niya. sasabihin ko pa sana sa kanya na, “uy, kapangalan mo.” pero nung sinunod nang binanggit yung isa pang pangalan, nagulat ako dahil pangalan ko yun. (sa sobrang unique ng nickname ko, alam kong ako yun) ako nga!!

ininterview pa niya ako ng konti. sobrang hindi ko inaasahan kaya kinabahan pa tuloy ako ng slight habang kinakausap siya sa gitna ng lahat ng nandoon. hindi alam ni ebe na sooobrang kinikilig ako sa loob ko. haha! buti na lang hindi niya ako tinawag sa stage kundi baka hindi na ako nakapagsalita at baka nayakap ko na siya. (pero sayang din kasi may picture na sana kaming dalawa kung nagkataon.)

nung gabi ding iyon, nalaman ko na siya pala ang nasa likod ng lahat. dahil alam niyang fan ako ni ebe, ginamit niya ang kanyang mga koneksyon para maging posible iyong dream come true na gabing iyon. i felt so special. isa ‘yun sa mga hindi ko malilimutang pagkakataon sa buhay ko. muli, maraming salamat.

gusto ko rin gamitin ang pagkakataon na ito para sabihin na ang swerte ko at sobrang blessed ko dahil nakilala ko siya. God is so good kasi hinayaan Niyang makilala at maging parte ako ng buhay ng isang tao na tutulong sa akin para maging mas positibo ang pananaw at para magpaalala na sa kabila ng mga masasamang nangyayari sa mundo, meron pa ring mga tao who naturally make you feel that life is beautiful.

siya ang guardian angel ko dito sa pisikal na mundo. nagpapanggap nga lang kaya siyang tao?

kahit hindi niya sabihin sa akin na he’ll always be there for me, nararamdaman ko na ganun. ang assuming ko lang, ‘di ba? pero totoo. he still makes me feel loved and cared despite of everything that happened. hindi ko nga alam kung ok lang ba siya, kung nasa matinong pag-iisip pa ba siya. kasi parang wala lang nagyari. kung sa iba siguro yun, kung anu-ano na ang sinabi. pero siya, dedmakels.

ewan ko, kahit nakakausap ko siya, hindi ko pa rin siyempre alam kung ano ba talaga ang naiisip at nararamdaman niya. pero para sa akin, ramdam ko yung malasakit at sincerity and i know that he hopes nothing but the best for me. and that is more than enough.

it might sound weird pero, im happy for him. alam kong nakakabangon na ulit siya at nararamdaman kong malapit na magsimula yung bright bright future and success sa buhay niya, sa lahat ng aspeto. ano pa nga ba ang ieexpect at ipagdadasal mong makita sa taong katulad niya. he deserves the best dahil ganun din ang ibinibigay at ipinakikita niya sa mga nasa paligid niya. kung pwede nga lang sana malaman ng lahat ng tao kung ano yung totoong siya. feeling ko kasi iba pa ang pagkakakilala nila sa kanya, unlike the way i know him. pero alam kong sa dami ng nakasalamuha niya sa buhay, karamihan doon ay nakita at naramadaman kung gaano siya kabuti, ideny man nila o hindi.

sobrang special siya sa akin kahit wala na kami sa sitwasyon namin noon. minsan nga napapaisip ako kung tama ba na kinakausap ko pa rin siya. but it feels right. wala namang masama na mag-usap bilang magkaibigan. gusto ko lang malaman niya na nandito lang ako para sa kanya. isa ako sa mga sumusuporta at naniniwala sa kanya. he’ll always have a special part in my heart and in my prayers, always.

may na-save pala ako na dalawang videos ni ebe nung gabing iyon sa historia. hindi buo, pero narecord ko pala yung “bawat daan” at “burnout.’ ewan pero sobrang ramdam ko yung recorded part nung naunang kanta. para bang kung susumahin sa isang salita yung buong kanta, ang ibig niyang sabihin ay constant.

ang sarap lang ng pakiramdam na maramdaman ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. alam mo ‘yun? ang gaan gaan na para bang wala kang problema. yung tipong titingin ka sa bintana, tapos ang ganda pa ng kalangitan, tapos mapapangiti ka na lang habang merong namumuong luha sa mga mata mo. sana maramdaman din ito ng lahat ng tao. bliss. kahit sa moment lang na ito. kahit alam kong mapapalitan din ito sa susunod na oras pero yung pakiramdam na meron kang pinanghahawakan deep inside you, ang lakas lang ng hatak. ang sarap lang.

thank you Lord. i trust your plans. kahit ano pa ang mangyari sa mga susunod na araw at taon, Your will be done. hindi man namin maintindihan lahat ngayon, it doesnt matter. naniniwala akong magiging maayos din ang lahat para sa aming lahat.

Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam

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158 bpm

May 15, 2017

adele was on loop but i put her to rest. now all i hear is the loud mowing sound of the building’s caretaker, clearing the grass which spring has started to bring. i can even smell the fresh grass shouting for their lives. i feel sorry for the wild yellow flowers with them. they are beautiful. they never tire of sprouting and blooming every spring until summer even though they are bound to live only for a short while.

the mowing sound has stopped, as if the caretaker heard my thoughts. now it is the humming of birds and engines of moving cars that i hear. it’s almost noon. looking past through the windows, the contrast of fresh green leaves of the trees from the partly cloudy bright blue sky catches my eyes’ attention. very slight wind blows some of the leaves. quiet. so peaceful.

i miss the sunset. i havent watched it for quite a while. there is a little hill near this place, maybe fifteen to twenty-minute walk from here, where you can gloriously watch the sunset. i plan to go there when im all recovered and safe to have a long walk. im not really sure though when. but honestly, i think i can now. it was not recommended for me to rest actually. but knowing myself and owning this body, i just dont want to take a risk. id do everything for the safety of my little one.

i wont forget that day. i have never been scared that way before. it was definitely the scariest day of my life. i thought id lose my baby.

i have just started my shift 30 minutes. as i was checking out a customer, i felt something. i thought it was a simple discharge. ( i read somewhere that it is normal to have some random discharge during pregnancy.) but then it continued and started to make me uncomfortable. suddenly, i felt it flowing down my left leg. that moment, my heart started pounding. i knew something was wrong and i have to act on it fast. im not sure how i was still able to handle the next three customers in line and im not sure if they noticed that i was terribly in panic inside. i tried to pull up my black pants to see what was flowing. at first attempt i didnt see but on the second try, there it was, blood.

i didnt know what to do. as i was walking out from the store, i still felt it flowing. my first instinct was to go to the nearest bus stop and wait for the bus and go home and wait there for whoever comes first to pick me up. i called him first and said what was happening and my plan of going home. he told me that he would immediately leave the office and told me to also call my sister. i started to cry. i was there, sitting by the bus stop, 20 minutes before the bus comes. i couldnt reach my sister as it was still 5 minutes before her shift ends. i called my brother in law who was on his way to pick my sister up. i told him the situation and told him i wasnt sure what to do. i asked him where i should go, if to my doctor’s clinic or straight to the emergency. he was rattled as well but then told me to go the emergency. then my sister finally called as i was still out there at the roofless bus stop, crying in silence though i was still in my right mind as i was googling about pregnancy bleeding as it was proudly happening to me. they were all in communication and they decided that my sister would pick me up where i was and my partner would meet us in the hospital.

in the emergency, i lost a lot of blood and shed ocean of tears. talking and registering with the staff, waiting that seemed forever, and finally being attended by a doctor. he was with me the whole time, trying to comfort and reassure me that everythings going to be fine. i didnt know what he was feeling but i know he was scared, too. i went to the washroom thrice and three times it was accompanied by blood. seeing that made me feel worse. though i wasnt really in pain physically, my heart and mind were one in telling me that it was the most painful feeling a woman could feel. when we were in the room and the doctor started to talk to us before beginning the ultrasound, once again i burst into tears. hearing him say things like bleeding during pregnancy is common and sometimes it is a sign of miscarriage, and facts like miscarriage in pregnancies, especially in the first trimester, often doesnt give them the reason why it happens made me expect for the worst. though he assured me that whatever happens, i didnt do anything that could make it happen, everything that i was hearing seemed to just pass through my ears and float in my mind and i was expecting the worse and feeling the worst but hoping  and praying for the best at the same time.

he began to scan my stomach with the ultrasound probe and through the monitor there it was, our baby with a heart beat. then he assured me that my baby is still there, inside me, with a beating heart! ❤

i was relieved, but not totally because that moment, there was still no answer what was causing the bleeding. i wasnt one hundred percent sure that my baby is really safe.

i was scheduled the next morning for another ultrasound session at a different hospital with a more advanced facility. we went there with all the positive bits i could bring but i still couldnt hide my fears. this time it was a lady ob-gyn who looked after me and did the procedure. i dont know if it’s because she was a female or it was her aura and bubbly personality that made me feel more comfortable and at relaxed. she began the ultrasound, with an assistant first-timer resident doctor, who was as comforting as her, and she quickly found my baby. she looked for the heart beat and there it was, 158 bpm, which was a very good sign according to her. she let us see everything in the monitor as she was giving us details and explanations on what was happening inside me. i was happily smiling as she pointed on the fingers, the toes, the heart, the umbilical cord, the size of my baby and the diameter of the head. she was very reassuring that everything seems to be normal and fine with my baby. that time, i believed the doctor and i was relieved.

as the session was ending, my baby suddenly jerked and started as if he was dancing. oh my God! my baby was giving us a show! the cheerful doctor said, “look at that baby! moving waving, saying sorry mommy daddy for getting you in trouble.” i almost shed a tear of joy. my baby’s okay and is very strong despite his mom getting so scared. all glory and praise to Him in up above.

so, what caused the bleeding? there is a blood clot that formed outside my uterus the time the baby was implanting inside, which they say normally happens to some pregnant women. the blood clot can either be absorbed inside or will naturally come out through bleeding. in my case, it chose the latter. i was advised that i can expect more bleeding as there was blood left inside but reassured that nothing to worry about.

we went home with relieved hearts and i immediately told the good news to my family who was worried as i was. even though not recommended by the doctor, i asked a one-week leave from my work and they granted my request. i would not risk my baby’s safety. that’s my number one priority now.

i am still undecided if i should continue my work, considering its physical demands. yes, i was told that working and standing for a long period is in any way not connected to what happened. but my mind, as well as my loved ones, tell me that i should think about it again. i dont want to lose my job but my baby is the most important thing now. i have a week to decide. or maybe, the result of my next two check ups this week will help me decide.

thank you for the prayers. that is what all we need and all that we can give sometimes.

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gab

April 30, 2017

dont get me wrong. i love this little one more than anything now. all those frustrations have nothing to do with my precious one.

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creamy moon

April 10, 2017

tonight’s full moon made me all dreamy and wishful. as if im not actually like that.

if not the stars, i think full moons are the reason of dreams. tonight i hope to dream what an ideal life is. i wish to dream of the time when i was a kid; those innocent years when all i thought was playing around then at night my dad would carry me from the living room to my bedroom as i pretended to be sleeping (though there might be nights when i really fell asleep while watching the television).

i wish to dream of a moment where im around the people who matter the most to me, even if i dont matter to them at all. i would thank them for just being themselves and ask for forgiveness for being myself.

i wish to dream of a problem-free version of this life, if there is such a thing aside from heaven. why not dream of heaven itself? that would be WOW (and perhaps i it would be ok not to wake up). i remember i dreamt of God once. He wasnt like the image that we know of Him these days but i know that was Him. we had a conversation but i couldnt remember the details. i wish to talk to Him once more. id either ask Him my unlimited questions and stories, or just be with Him, sit beside Him, hold His hands, embrace Him and let His presence consume my whole being.

just thinking about that kind of dream makes me emotional. oh Lord, please let me be prepared even if it is just a dream.