Archive for the ‘traffic’ Category

h1

taboo

June 15, 2017

we’re good. i mean, we get along. we dont fight, aside from those petty exchange of words about my need to get a more stable source of income.

it’s those unspoken words that speak a lot. it is those sudden quiet moments that are deafening and knowing that we both know what lies beneath makes it much heavier.

as ive said, i am used to it. i dont know how long this taboo game will last. i got no clue how it ends. im not even sure if im playing it right. somewhere deep inside me hopes that it ends in a good way. for our little one, you know. but as i have also said, i trust His plans.

so, i dont where this leads. im just praying that everything turns out beautiful for everyone in the end.

___

“For I know the plans I have for you… Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” -Jeremiah 29:11

Advertisements
h1

moments of silence

June 14, 2017

the moment asks for this. i have nothing to do. i want to sleep but ive been silently lying in the sofa and in bed for hours now. i can hear the strong wind blowing the leaves of the trees outside, the weather making it more black and white to my eyes.

i’ll say that im used to it. i am used to this situation which i dont even know what to call. im fine, really, but having these down moments are, i suppose, inevitable. catching my mind wandering along question road is a normal scenario.

and of course, no answers available.

though im not really expecting to know the answers now. as always, i leave it to Him. i trust His plans.

sorry, now im sleepy. will try to continue tomorrow (but i strongly doubt it)

im happy for happy people.

h1

my other self

May 15, 2017

i wasnt really planning to talk about what happened to me last week, but there it is, slightly detailed in the previous entry.

im not a selfish person, as i would like to believe. but seems like i am one selfish woman after all. i feel so bad on myself after knowing something and whispering that it cant happen, that that should not be allowed to happen.

it can, my dear. you cant control everything, especially the happiness of other people. and have you forgotten, you are the reason why it is now possible to happen.

accept, grow old, my dear.

h1

silver lining

May 11, 2017

the day i started in my new work, i believe there was never a day i didnt have a scratch or a small wound in my hands. they are mostly at the back and side of my fingers. maybe reaching for items or sliding the bar separator are the main culprits. though very light and little, they make sure that they are felt once in a while.

im on my second week now as a frontline in a major supermarket here. my first day in the actual cashiering is unforgettable. that was technically my second day of training and that was 8 hours of straight standing, with one half hour break and two 15-min breaks. at first i thought it wont be that hard because standing at work isnt new to me as i used to be a teacher before.

i was wrong. (as i usually am for quite a while these days, or months should i say)

all the tension, stress, worries, fears, codes to be memorized, plus the physical pain of that long first day started to build in every piece of me as the day was ending. unsurprisingly, as i reached home, i burst into tears. i tried to fight it as i wanted to keep it to myself but it fought back hard and made me so weak as the pain and aches dominated my whole body. but you know what made it worse? it’s the thought that i had nobody to share what i was feeling that very moment. it’s the thought that i wanted to give up and i was all alone in that one lowest time in my life. it’s the fact that i was actually with someone physically but things are the opposite of what is supposed to be of being with someone, emotionally topping the list.

i used to tell myself before i resigned from my last job that i would want to experience working in retail. i was curious how it feels like facing people the whole day, standing and walking around, customer service, those things. now i got what i wanted. my mind and body dont really agree that i want it after all.

typical human nature, as what i want to call it. an addition to my i-thought-id-be-happy-with-it list, which seems to be getting longer as time goes by. quite ironic, eh? i thought the more you get older, the more you would know what you want and what makes you happy.

but im getting the hang of it, the work, you know. it is just part time so i usually only get twenty hours a week, five hours in four days or four in five, half of what a regular job has. not to mention that it’s a minimum-paying one, with the physical demands of the job, im good with it considering my current situation. and it’s better to have a source of income now instead of none as i have to prepare for my little one’s future. i hope i wont be stuck on it, though.

im very thankful for the few people who show their support to me, my family most especially. it makes me feel that somehow i am still worthy for some good things. i’ll surpass this challenge. no way but up!

i gotta go for now and prepare for my last day of my work week.

no way but up!

h1

bubble

May 7, 2017

you got on the boat without knowing where it is heading to. sailing, floating, nothing with you but hope and faith. that’s all you need after all, right?

the water’s surface might be silent but you know there’s a storm underneath. a part of you waits for it to come in full blast but you really dont know what youre waiting for. 

perhaps one of the saddest things to happen to someone is not knowing what he wants. 

h1

everything is grace

April 30, 2017

when music is life but you couldnt choose which song to play.

something must have really gone wrong.

somethings not right. nobody said everythings gonna be all good anyway.

ive been wanting the days and months to speed up but then my mind struck me with the question, “do you think youd be able to handle all the responsibilties?” my life stopped for a  long moment and all the worries and fears slowly crept all over me.

nobody knows everything thats happening. a few of my friends know some fragments but nobody sees the whole picture. i even doubt if i see it myself. i havent told everyone because im tired of explaining and answering those hard questions (and somehow trying to show that all is fine). do i owe an explanation in the first place? or am i just using an excuse to patch this big black hole inside?

everybody is struggling with something but not everyone looks like it. it is how you handle the situation, or should i say, how you mask the reality. it’s not that you intend to bend the truth. for some it is a way to avoid the unruly threads more strangled. it works for others, they say.

many times i have given the advice of no man is an island, youre not supposed to live on your own – it’s relieving to share your problems with someone or some people you trust. it’s true, ive done that and it made me feel lighter. but there comes a time when you feel so tired and so consumed that expressing whats inside you does not seem to be beneficial and necessary. there comes a time when your brain tells you that youre gonna make it alone; when your optimistic side says that everything is going to be well, that all shall be well.

WHEN?

we are just humans, right? so getting tired is acceptable. being weak is normal. letting it all out and not knowing the answers…….

h1

my mac still has the same old password

March 14, 2017

so many things in my head, so many words i want to say. my stubborn memory still flashes back to the good times, often, and it always brings me that happy throbbing feeling inside. sometimes i try to fight it but sometimes not. i guess i will be dealing with it for the rest of my life. i take it as a consequence, and a token at the same time. happy thoughts.

i might forget the exact words i said but i wont forget the pain they caused. i’ll understand if i wont ever be forgiven.

this might be the last time i’ll speak of this.

i pray for a lot of things to happen. one is for wounds to heal. i dont know how and when but i want to believe on what they say that time heals all wounds. please believe it too.

i might sound proud. im not. if only id be invisible.

so many things to say but i rather not to.

if you feel like flying, let music take you.

i miss you too…