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158 bpm

May 15, 2017

adele was on loop but i put her to rest. now all i hear is the loud mowing sound of the building’s caretaker, clearing the grass which spring has started to bring. i can even smell the fresh grass shouting for their lives. i feel sorry for the wild yellow flowers with them. they are beautiful. they never tire of sprouting and blooming every spring until summer even though they are bound to live only for a short while.

the mowing sound has stopped, as if the caretaker heard my thoughts. now it is the humming of birds and engines of moving cars that i hear. it’s almost noon. looking past through the windows, the contrast of fresh green leaves of the trees from the partly cloudy bright blue sky catches my eyes’ attention. very slight wind blows some of the leaves. quiet. so peaceful.

i miss the sunset. i havent watched it for quite a while. there is a little hill near this place, maybe fifteen to twenty-minute walk from here, where you can gloriously watch the sunset. i plan to go there when im all recovered and safe to have a long walk. im not really sure though when. but honestly, i think i can now. it was not recommended for me to rest actually. but knowing myself and owning this body, i just dont want to take a risk. id do everything for the safety of my little one.

i wont forget that day. i have never been scared that way before. it was definitely the scariest day of my life. i thought id lose my baby.

i have just started my shift 30 minutes. as i was checking out a customer, i felt something. i thought it was a simple discharge. ( i read somewhere that it is normal to have some random discharge during pregnancy.) but then it continued and started to make me uncomfortable. suddenly, i felt it flowing down my left leg. that moment, my heart started pounding. i knew something was wrong and i have to act on it fast. im not sure how i was still able to handle the next three customers in line and im not sure if they noticed that i was terribly in panic inside. i tried to pull up my black pants to see what was flowing. at first attempt i didnt see but on the second try, there it was, blood.

i didnt know what to do. as i was walking out from the store, i still felt it flowing. my first instinct was to go to the nearest bus stop and wait for the bus and go home and wait there for whoever comes first to pick me up. i called him first and said what was happening and my plan of going home. he told me that he would immediately leave the office and told me to also call my sister. i started to cry. i was there, sitting by the bus stop, 20 minutes before the bus comes. i couldnt reach my sister as it was still 5 minutes before her shift ends. i called my brother in law who was on his way to pick my sister up. i told him the situation and told him i wasnt sure what to do. i asked him where i should go, if to my doctor’s clinic or straight to the emergency. he was rattled as well but then told me to go the emergency. then my sister finally called as i was still out there at the roofless bus stop, crying in silence though i was still in my right mind as i was googling about pregnancy bleeding as it was proudly happening to me. they were all in communication and they decided that my sister would pick me up where i was and my partner would meet us in the hospital.

in the emergency, i lost a lot of blood and shed ocean of tears. talking and registering with the staff, waiting that seemed forever, and finally being attended by a doctor. he was with me the whole time, trying to comfort and reassure me that everythings going to be fine. i didnt know what he was feeling but i know he was scared, too. i went to the washroom thrice and three times it was accompanied by blood. seeing that made me feel worse. though i wasnt really in pain physically, my heart and mind were one in telling me that it was the most painful feeling a woman could feel. when we were in the room and the doctor started to talk to us before beginning the ultrasound, once again i burst into tears. hearing him say things like bleeding during pregnancy is common and sometimes it is a sign of miscarriage, and facts like miscarriage in pregnancies, especially in the first trimester, often doesnt give them the reason why it happens made me expect for the worst. though he assured me that whatever happens, i didnt do anything that could make it happen, everything that i was hearing seemed to just pass through my ears and float in my mind and i was expecting the worse and feeling the worst but hoping  and praying for the best at the same time.

he began to scan my stomach with the ultrasound probe and through the monitor there it was, our baby with a heart beat. then he assured me that my baby is still there, inside me, with a beating heart! ❤

i was relieved, but not totally because that moment, there was still no answer what was causing the bleeding. i wasnt one hundred percent sure that my baby is really safe.

i was scheduled the next morning for another ultrasound session at a different hospital with a more advanced facility. we went there with all the positive bits i could bring but i still couldnt hide my fears. this time it was a lady ob-gyn who looked after me and did the procedure. i dont know if it’s because she was a female or it was her aura and bubbly personality that made me feel more comfortable and at relaxed. she began the ultrasound, with an assistant first-timer resident doctor, who was as comforting as her, and she quickly found my baby. she looked for the heart beat and there it was, 158 bpm, which was a very good sign according to her. she let us see everything in the monitor as she was giving us details and explanations on what was happening inside me. i was happily smiling as she pointed on the fingers, the toes, the heart, the umbilical cord, the size of my baby and the diameter of the head. she was very reassuring that everything seems to be normal and fine with my baby. that time, i believed the doctor and i was relieved.

as the session was ending, my baby suddenly jerked and started as if he was dancing. oh my God! my baby was giving us a show! the cheerful doctor said, “look at that baby! moving waving, saying sorry mommy daddy for getting you in trouble.” i almost shed a tear of joy. my baby’s okay and is very strong despite his mom getting so scared. all glory and praise to Him in up above.

so, what caused the bleeding? there is a blood clot that formed outside my uterus the time the baby was implanting inside, which they say normally happens to some pregnant women. the blood clot can either be absorbed inside or will naturally come out through bleeding. in my case, it chose the latter. i was advised that i can expect more bleeding as there was blood left inside but reassured that nothing to worry about.

we went home with relieved hearts and i immediately told the good news to my family who was worried as i was. even though not recommended by the doctor, i asked a one-week leave from my work and they granted my request. i would not risk my baby’s safety. that’s my number one priority now.

i am still undecided if i should continue my work, considering its physical demands. yes, i was told that working and standing for a long period is in any way not connected to what happened. but my mind, as well as my loved ones, tell me that i should think about it again. i dont want to lose my job but my baby is the most important thing now. i have a week to decide. or maybe, the result of my next two check ups this week will help me decide.

thank you for the prayers. that is what all we need and all that we can give sometimes.

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silver lining

May 11, 2017

the day i started in my new work, i believe there was never a day i didnt have a scratch or a small wound in my hands. they are mostly at the back and side of my fingers. maybe reaching for items or sliding the bar separator are the main culprits. though very light and little, they make sure that they are felt once in a while.

im on my second week now as a frontline in a major supermarket here. my first day in the actual cashiering is unforgettable. that was technically my second day of training and that was 8 hours of straight standing, with one half hour break and two 15-min breaks. at first i thought it wont be that hard because standing at work isnt new to me as i used to be a teacher before.

i was wrong. (as i usually am for quite a while these days, or months should i say)

all the tension, stress, worries, fears, codes to be memorized, plus the physical pain of that long first day started to build in every piece of me as the day was ending. unsurprisingly, as i reached home, i burst into tears. i tried to fight it as i wanted to keep it to myself but it fought back hard and made me so weak as the pain and aches dominated my whole body. but you know what made it worse? it’s the thought that i had nobody to share what i was feeling that very moment. it’s the thought that i wanted to give up and i was all alone in that one lowest time in my life. it’s the fact that i was actually with someone physically but things are the opposite of what is supposed to be of being with someone, emotionally topping the list.

i used to tell myself before i resigned from my last job that i would want to experience working in retail. i was curious how it feels like facing people the whole day, standing and walking around, customer service, those things. now i got what i wanted. my mind and body dont really agree that i want it after all.

typical human nature, as what i want to call it. an addition to my i-thought-id-be-happy-with-it list, which seems to be getting longer as time goes by. quite ironic, eh? i thought the more you get older, the more you would know what you want and what makes you happy.

but im getting the hang of it, the work, you know. it is just part time so i usually only get twenty hours a week, five hours in four days or four in five, half of what a regular job has. not to mention that it’s a minimum-paying one, with the physical demands of the job, im good with it considering my current situation. and it’s better to have a source of income now instead of none as i have to prepare for my little one’s future. i hope i wont be stuck on it, though.

im very thankful for the few people who show their support to me, my family most especially. it makes me feel that somehow i am still worthy for some good things. i’ll surpass this challenge. no way but up!

i gotta go for now and prepare for my last day of my work week.

no way but up!

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bubble

May 7, 2017

you got on the boat without knowing where it is heading to. sailing, floating, nothing with you but hope and faith. that’s all you need after all, right?

the water’s surface might be silent but you know there’s a storm underneath. a part of you waits for it to come in full blast but you really dont know what youre waiting for. 

perhaps one of the saddest things to happen to someone is not knowing what he wants. 

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gab

April 30, 2017

dont get me wrong. i love this little one more than anything now. all those frustrations have nothing to do with my precious one.

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everything is grace

April 30, 2017

when music is life but you couldnt choose which song to play.

something must have really gone wrong.

somethings not right. nobody said everythings gonna be all good anyway.

ive been wanting the days and months to speed up but then my mind struck me with the question, “do you think youd be able to handle all the responsibilties?” my life stopped for a  long moment and all the worries and fears slowly crept all over me.

nobody knows everything thats happening. a few of my friends know some fragments but nobody sees the whole picture. i even doubt if i see it myself. i havent told everyone because im tired of explaining and answering those hard questions (and somehow trying to show that all is fine). do i owe an explanation in the first place? or am i just using an excuse to patch this big black hole inside?

everybody is struggling with something but not everyone looks like it. it is how you handle the situation, or should i say, how you mask the reality. it’s not that you intend to bend the truth. for some it is a way to avoid the unruly threads more strangled. it works for others, they say.

many times i have given the advice of no man is an island, youre not supposed to live on your own – it’s relieving to share your problems with someone or some people you trust. it’s true, ive done that and it made me feel lighter. but there comes a time when you feel so tired and so consumed that expressing whats inside you does not seem to be beneficial and necessary. there comes a time when your brain tells you that youre gonna make it alone; when your optimistic side says that everything is going to be well, that all shall be well.

WHEN?

we are just humans, right? so getting tired is acceptable. being weak is normal. letting it all out and not knowing the answers…….

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faceless

April 17, 2017

it hurts, a lot, but those are the most comforting words ive heard and maybe needing to hear these days. i have read it many times and each time didnt stop me to shed rivers of tears. maybe the tears that i felt and hurt the most among all that fell from my eyes my whole life.

it is not the pain that is caused by somebody else. perhaps the most painful thing that can happen to someone is feeling the pain she caused herself.

i am not ready yet. im sorry…

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creamy moon

April 10, 2017

tonight’s full moon made me all dreamy and wishful. as if im not actually like that.

if not the stars, i think full moons are the reason of dreams. tonight i hope to dream what an ideal life is. i wish to dream of the time when i was a kid; those innocent years when all i thought was playing around then at night my dad would carry me from the living room to my bedroom as i pretended to be sleeping (though there might be nights when i really fell asleep while watching the television).

i wish to dream of a moment where im around the people who matter the most to me, even if i dont matter to them at all. i would thank them for just being themselves and ask for forgiveness for being myself.

i wish to dream of a problem-free version of this life, if there is such a thing aside from heaven. why not dream of heaven itself? that would be WOW (and perhaps i it would be ok not to wake up). i remember i dreamt of God once. He wasnt like the image that we know of Him these days but i know that was Him. we had a conversation but i couldnt remember the details. i wish to talk to Him once more. id either ask Him my unlimited questions and stories, or just be with Him, sit beside Him, hold His hands, embrace Him and let His presence consume my whole being.

just thinking about that kind of dream makes me emotional. oh Lord, please let me be prepared even if it is just a dream.