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gab

April 30, 2017

dont get me wrong. i love this little one more than anything now. all those frustrations have nothing to do with my precious one.

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everything is grace

April 30, 2017

when music is life but you couldnt choose which song to play.

something must have really gone wrong.

somethings not right. nobody said everythings gonna be all good anyway.

ive been wanting the days and months to speed up but then my mind struck me with the question, “do you think youd be able to handle all the responsibilties?” my life stopped for a  long moment and all the worries and fears slowly crept all over me.

nobody knows everything thats happening. a few of my friends know some fragments but nobody sees the whole picture. i even doubt if i see it myself. i havent told everyone because im tired of explaining and answering those hard questions (and somehow trying to show that all is fine). do i owe an explanation in the first place? or am i just using an excuse to patch this big black hole inside?

everybody is struggling with something but not everyone looks like it. it is how you handle the situation, or should i say, how you mask the reality. it’s not that you intend to bend the truth. for some it is a way to avoid the unruly threads more strangled. it works for others, they say.

many times i have given the advice of no man is an island, youre not supposed to live on your own – it’s relieving to share your problems with someone or some people you trust. it’s true, ive done that and it made me feel lighter. but there comes a time when you feel so tired and so consumed that expressing whats inside you does not seem to be beneficial and necessary. there comes a time when your brain tells you that youre gonna make it alone; when your optimistic side says that everything is going to be well, that all shall be well.

WHEN?

we are just humans, right? so getting tired is acceptable. being weak is normal. letting it all out and not knowing the answers…….

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faceless

April 17, 2017

it hurts, a lot, but those are the most comforting words ive heard and maybe needing to hear these days. i have read it many times and each time didnt stop me to shed rivers of tears. maybe the tears that i felt and hurt the most among all that fell from my eyes my whole life.

it is not the pain that is caused by somebody else. perhaps the most painful thing that can happen to someone is feeling the pain she caused herself.

i am not ready yet. im sorry…

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creamy moon

April 10, 2017

tonight’s full moon made me all dreamy and wishful. as if im not actually like that.

if not the stars, i think full moons are the reason of dreams. tonight i hope to dream what an ideal life is. i wish to dream of the time when i was a kid; those innocent years when all i thought was playing around then at night my dad would carry me from the living room to my bedroom as i pretended to be sleeping (though there might be nights when i really fell asleep while watching the television).

i wish to dream of a moment where im around the people who matter the most to me, even if i dont matter to them at all. i would thank them for just being themselves and ask for forgiveness for being myself.

i wish to dream of a problem-free version of this life, if there is such a thing aside from heaven. why not dream of heaven itself? that would be WOW (and perhaps i it would be ok not to wake up). i remember i dreamt of God once. He wasnt like the image that we know of Him these days but i know that was Him. we had a conversation but i couldnt remember the details. i wish to talk to Him once more. id either ask Him my unlimited questions and stories, or just be with Him, sit beside Him, hold His hands, embrace Him and let His presence consume my whole being.

just thinking about that kind of dream makes me emotional. oh Lord, please let me be prepared even if it is just a dream.

 

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superheroes

April 3, 2017

that unforgettable moment. that morning. their words still linger in my mind. ugh, burst. i could never imagine how their love for me is. i am more than blessed to have them as my parents. i love my family.

this is an understatement. one day, i’ll tell a beautiful story. #everythingisgrace

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let it go

March 22, 2017

“sometimes the people we love leave us because someone much better will come, someone who will love us more and will stick around until the end.”

im not that someone.

enough of holding on to things that cannot be. start looking at the other part of the shore. begin a new beautiful story with new wonderful characters.

do it now. make it real.

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my mac still has the same old password

March 14, 2017

so many things in my head, so many words i want to say. my stubborn memory still flashes back to the good times, often, and it always brings me that happy throbbing feeling inside. sometimes i try to fight it but sometimes not. i guess i will be dealing with it for the rest of my life. i take it as a consequence, and a token at the same time. happy thoughts.

i might forget the exact words i said but i wont forget the pain they caused. i’ll understand if i wont ever be forgiven.

this might be the last time i’ll speak of this.

i pray for a lot of things to happen. one is for wounds to heal. i dont know how and when but i want to believe on what they say that time heals all wounds. please believe it too.

i might sound proud. im not. if only id be invisible.

so many things to say but i rather not to.

if you feel like flying, let music take you.

i miss you too…